Teenagers scare the living shit outta me.

I never really liked "My Chemical Romance", but I find their song "Teenagers" to be pretty... erm, catchy. I like it.

I realized the other day, when talking to my Uncle David, that I was going to the public school system right around the time that the policies started to change. Columbine happened when I was in middle school--in fact, I was ON my schools "Columbine List"... I was #3. My Uncle was saying how he and a bunch of guys would carry their pocket knives to school, get in fights after class, that sort of thing. That there was not anything gang related or particularly violent about it--just kids fucking around--and when I told him that not only where pocket knives banned but you couldn't even SAY bad things about someone, nonetheless beat them up, he shook his head and remarked on 'How times change'.

I was thinking that perhaps the reason the kids go to such extremes in violence, as we saw in Columbine and a handful of other schools since then, is because our natural, human, aggression is allowed no outlet.

I've always gotten along with boys best of all, because boys don't play games like girls do. Girls are clever, yes, but there is something to a boy, or a man, that is very simple. When guys start hanging out with guys, they 'beat them up' a lot of the time--whether it be verbal or physical. There's always the traded punches, the "Ya' Old Man", "Asshole", "Punk", "Fucker" slung back and forth.

If women say something like that to other women, it generally goes down in flames.

Now, I'm generalizing, of course, but there are some character differences between men and women that I find extremely disquieting. Women are more likely to hurt through an act of manipulation or some "mental blow". Guys are more likely to hut by... "Lets take this outside" or something to the like. Guys don't mess with heads as much as women do; which is why I've hung out with guy friends and have been able to talk and communicate with guys so much easier then with girls.

It has been generally males that have committed the acts of violence that we now associate with school crime. What I'm wondering is if there has just been too much stifling of a mans natural aggression to where, eventually, the man simply explodes.

My gang of "guy friends" used to do something called Backyard Wrestling. They would get up on one of those enormous trampolines and vault at each other, trying to punch and pin someone down until they were at it again.

I feel it is necessary for men to do physical activity of some sort, whether it be in sports, in home improvement, in fights.... or whatever have you. I feel that too many in charge of the rules and law making have made the mistake of thinking women and men too much alike, or of not remembering their own youth in the case of older gentlemen.

Men feel anger in a more physical form. It burns inside of them, makes them want to DO something, makes them want to pummel and whatnot. With women, it festers in the brain and makes them want to do something as well, but it manifests, as I've said, more mental then physical.

Simply put; I feel less of the really BAD type of violence would occur if boys and men were allowed to scuffle and fight as they really want to. A lot of that nature is bottled up throughout the young years until its ready to burst. If you are reading this and you are a woman; imagine feeling anger and frustration in every limb, in every vein, crawling up your spine. You'd want to go out and just beat the crap out of someone. But if you were not allowed to do so, because that natural aggressive action is viewed as “Too Violent/Destructive/A behavioral problem”, what are you going to do? Keep it inside? Until what? You're handed a gun, or a knife, or an opportunity, and you say; 'well, to hell with this, I've kept my rage bottled up too long'.

I'm generalizing. Not all men snap and start shooting people or stabbing people or just being the shit out of whoever manages to pass by. Not all women feel the need to manipulate in order to exact justice or extent hurt.

But I feel we, as a society, need to realize our own nature; and not to deny it. Yes, we are a civilized culture, but civilization denotes that we not delude ourselves to something that we are not. Humans are not perfect, and we need our constructive outlets.

Yes, I feel like schoolyard fights between boys are girls are constructive. I feel that it helps tap that natural aggressive instinct.

And I'm not saying that this would be perfect; I'm not saying that some boys or girls would not be ganged up on or outnumbered; but if it was more 'socially acceptable' to jump in the middle of a brawl, who would miss that opportunity?

This was inspired by two things. One was a Tyra Show episode on transvestites. A girl became a guy by injecting male hormones and made the remark, “...feeling anger more physically then mentally” when asked how the hormones had changed how she felt as a woman. Two was; yesterday at the bus stop I watched a large man in gang colors start hitting on a woman sitting alone on a bus bench. She was obviously uninterested and he kept on, enjoying every moment of it, grinning and whatnot.

Which leads me to a minor rant: What gives men the idea that that is OK? That they can just go up to a woman and start sneering at her and asking her for her number, or asking her out for lunch; and when she says 'no' or gives other indications that she's not interested he just KEEPS ON?? I mean, get a clue. I know these men are generally undereducated and under civilized human beings, but they simply disgust me. You don't go and try to PRESSURE a woman into going on a date with you... and this guy was just so pleased with himself, swaggering away with a big stupid grin on his face.

The thing is, I was also sitting along at the bus station, and as a woman approaching a man to tell him off about hitting on another woman (especially when he was wearing gang colors)... I was afraid of getting shot. But the fact, especially in cities, that this has become such a socially acceptable occurrence is absolutely sickening to me. That everyone passed by this poor woman with some interested glances but no interference. Someone helping out someone else when they're in a situation like that can make all the difference in the world. And maybe you're not as alone as you think during broad daylight with so many people on the street, for surely if you talk loud enough someone else will come up and help you out or whatnot.

But these things have started to really upset me. Several times in the last few months I have been hit on by some repulsive figures, all of which I've threatened in some physical manner; because I've had quite enough of being a victim. Every one of these men has backed off as soon as I pull out my mace, or my little 'pocket knife', because they know I'm not to be fucked with at that point. But these women that go around and are simply trying to GET SOMEWHERE or just take a walk, or just be outside, that are harassed by these bastards... eventually it goes from simple harassment to some other, higher crime.

And the thing is; my pocket knife is illegal. It is illegal for reasons that I can understand, because it is easy to conceal and whatnot, but it is the best protection I have. It is a good blade and it does not show when I wear tight pants. The ultimate defense protection! So many are afraid to use it, however, because of that illegality. Simply put; I'll feign surprise if I ever get caught by a officer of the peace by defending myself or whatever. Especially if I've managed to ward off an otherwise lethal or potentially harmful attack.

I am tired of being the victim, and I'm especially tired of seeing other women LET themselves be a victim.

Meh. Done with that rant.

Yesterday I went up to the community college for the third time this week to fill out the financial aide paperwork and register and whatnot. The financial aide is still going to take some time to sort out.

I'm apparently a 'strange circumstance' because I'm under 24 and not living with my parents. The fact that “one kicked me out and the other is homeless” is what is under review right now. I cannot put down my father as a supporting person because;
A. He has not paid taxes in twenty years, so I cannot provide any tax information
B. He lives in a non-residential neighborhood and does not want to attract any attention to that
C. Half the time I was supporting him

However, there's a good chance that not only will I be able to get my classes paid for, but that I will receive financial support for my books, transportation, food and housing costs as well. From what I can understand, an Independent at my age is quite a strange thing; especially one that is ready and willing to receive a higher education.

I sincerely hope that I can go to class for the fall semester, but if this financial aide stuff does not sort itself out I may be looking at spring, which would kind of bite the big one. College would give me a bigger sense of accomplishment right now; and I'm about ready to get my life in gear and get moving on. I pretty much spent these last thirteen months in California recuperating from numerous losses of financial, family, possessions and friends type; not to mention some sever changes in my diet and my living situation.

Thank god that I'm actually in a more stable place right now. That I have a shower and a kitchen and a fridge 1/3 full of food and a pretty good paying job. My anxiety attacks have gone from about once or twice a day to about once a week or so. Next week I'll be going to a counselor for the first time in a long time. It will help me work out some of these problems I've been having quite hopefully.

Just for the record: I really, really detest my mother right now. I don't think it'll go away anytime soon...

Vous offrir au revoir et bonne nuit,

-Lady Teigra-